Kicking My Ass

I was writing some Kicking ____ Ass! books and lately I realized that I really need to kick my own ass. It won’t make a great book, but here’s what’s been up.

I tracked down my son’s mom and made contact. It’s been about 6 years I guess now. Or, maybe it just seems like 6 years. Not having your first born around for many years is a really difficult way to go through life, and yet I had resigned myself to it. It hurt every day. I’m a big believer in keeping the interactions between dad and mom low-key in front of the kids. Yes, even when it means mom is taking off with the kid(s). It just doesn’t make any sense to argue and get emotional in front of my son – and I won’t ever let that happen. There were numerous times i wanted to throw something at his mom – like a sword or heavy table, but I held on and let it play out without upsetting my son.

I went through a fatherless life, and as I look back on it I gotta say the experience was NOT all that bad. My mom did her best, and it wasn’t enough – and STILL – I turned out fine. I think there’s quite a bit of leeway in there for kids to go without one of the parents if the one parent really loves them and takes care of them well. Had my son’s mom not wanted to take my son – for whatever reason, I would have jumped up and down at the opportunity. Anyway, it didn’t work out like that.

There might be a break in the horizon. I’m going to head back for a visit next year – 2011 – maybe May or so. In the meantime there’s a lot of stuff to do. I’m actually considering moving back to the US of A. I never thought I’d say that. Being in Thailand for 6 years has been nice. It’s been amazing really. I now have a new baby girl and wife and I finally know what a family is supposed to be like. This is it. Will returning to the US put us to the test? I’m sure it will. I can’t see not trying to make yet another run of living close to my son if it’s at all possible. His mom is flitty and may decide to take off and leave the area when we do move over that way. That would make it the 3rd time. She insists it’s not like that this time…

The difference between stress levels in the USA versus living in Thailand isn’t like night and day… it’s like red and ocean. It’s that different. Imagine not having to think about health insurance, speeding, the cost of gas, the cost of car insurance, gangs, assault, or even the time of day it is. That’s Thailand. I haven’t worn a watch for 3 years. I don’t see many Thais wear them either – there’s little point in one.

I’d need to find a job in the US. Internet marketing manager is the likely role I’d play. There are 100 things I could do, and that one would make the most cash. When living in the USA – it’s all about cash. That in itself is distressing.

Or, I could write a masterpiece. I’ve been thinking about this masterful idea for a book… it’s always in my head. I just can’t wrap my head around it. The idea is huge. I’ve considered creating a spreadsheet wiki for it and enabling everyone in the world to fill in instances of situations they’ve noticed that add data to the project. I mean, it’s massive. I need to figure out a way to cut it down to something manageable. Something you could converse with others about. Right now the idea is not in that format.

Hmm, what were the other ideas for making a lot of cash quick?

• Sell all websites.
• Create a website that is huge and that makes cash, and sell it.
• Go to Burma (Myanmar) and work for a couple of years.
• Go to Brunei, Iraq, Afghanistan, or other war-torn area and make bank for a year – and dodge bullets and knives.

Living in the states is expensive. It’s sickening how expensive it is. It’s disgusting how much taxes are. It’s nuts how difficult it is to save some cash for a rainy day, or rainy retirement.

Quotes About: Life

“Life is a horrible game.”
21 July 1997

“Sick and twisted from the start, life makes us reluctant and always losing players in god’s morose puppet show.”
14 Jan 1998

“Life’s rules are not just about morality. Socialness, gravity, molecular physics, feces decomposition, and menstrual cycles affect us all. Every single day of this farked and disgusting life.”
26 Oct 1997

“Our lives are are playing out as God’s human ant farm. God made the farm restrict humans in a similar way as ants in a human constructed farm are restricted in a quarter inch of space between plastic planes. God gave the minds of men the concept of owning ants for our own amusement as he tinkers with every variable possible in our lives. God is a sick fucker whose amusement is examining and controlling our every move.”
9 Feb 1998

“What’s worse, life on earth or what happens after death? We KNOW what life here is like, could it be any worse after this mess?”
16 May 1998

“We’re life-losers from Day 1.”
22 August 1998

“Life isn’t fair. In fact, if there’s one true statement we can say about life – it’s that everyone is dealt a significantly different hand. Success to society doesn’t take any of that into account. Success=this. You either measure up or you don’t. Some have a stacked deck.”
3 Oct 1999

“For god so loved the world that he gave us gravity, sweets that make us fat, and the propensity toward relaxation instead of physical labor.”
17 April 2000

“Life’s sweetest fragrance is found on the air in the battlefield. Putrid, green gangrenous limbs. That’s what life is all about, the nose-stinging stench of reality, not roses or jasmine flowers.”
11 June 2000

“For god so loved the world that he set up every fu**ing rule of the game so we need to fight against it to survive for a longer time. Why survive longer? Oh, the fear that he put into each of us about the uncertainty of what happens after death. All bases covered, eh god?”
21 August 2000

“Why don’t I kill myself? I look at this world and I know it sucks to a level that’s beyond my comprehension. It profoundly shakes the core of my being with fear. Do I think that something that created this mess could create something worse for us after we leave here? Hell ya I do.”
29 February 2001

“We’re, all of us, living life in God’s heinous Sim City game.”
3 April 2001

“Living without the basic predispositions we’ve been given as human beings makes a truly happy life ridiculously impossible. How does one surpass jealousy, power, pleasure, attention needs? With a traumatic brain injury or a few years of serious meditation commitment.”
15 May 2001

“Life’s most rewarding act? Helping someone else get through their own shitpile.”
26 Oct 2001

“I could be a catholic, mormon, born-again christian, hindu, buddhist monk, or jesus himself and you know what? I’d still wake up in the morning with an alien between my legs and hungry. What is a man to DO with that?”
19 December 2001

“There is no freedom. Who gives you freedom from gravity? How does one find freedom from craving sweets, power, sex, and attention? Who gives you freedom from aging? Freedom from fear? Freedom from being attached to the one body you were assigned?”
14 March 2002

“For god so loved the world that he sentenced billions of human beings to do 72 years of hard time in this stupid game.”
19 September 2002

“Fish eats worm. Spider eats fly. Snake eats frog. Bird eats beetle. Lion eats zebra. What eats man? His god-given conscience. Had to be something, right?”
9 February 2003

These were some I had collected from the past. There are many more – but just no inclination to go find them…

I’m considering another book… really considering it lately. Will let you know if I start on it.